Dissappointed for the Last Time

I've been slipping on my blog posts... work has been crazy and my rent proves to pay for a roof over my cats head more than mine since I am rarely home these days.

Last night I learned that getting let down by a guy who is a friend hurts a HELL of a lot more than these random guys that we go out on dates with that become mere blips on our radar. Getting let down by friends in general just... it just fucking sucks and stings and creates different emotions.

So check it.

I've considered this friend of mine worthy of keeping around after he started acting flaky over the course of the past year. We've been friends for around 4 years, and looking back, I'd say he's been a flake for more than half of that time... so frankly, I'm happy that it's over.

He has a job which requires him to travel, and in the process he's made it clear that a number of his friendships have been severed because he just don't have the time. He also has a girlfriend that he's needed to breakup with for months now, because she doesn't deserve the little bit of time that he DOES have.

Basically, he has been that friend that I see once every six-eight months. And in between come the apology phone calls, and the calls that cancel plans that have been made the day of, and the "aw... okay. well i'll call you and we will DEFINITELY get together next week! i promise" call that never comes.

Yesterday he resurfaced again. And like every other time, I gave in and said to myself "yea, he's probably gonna cancel... but he seems like he really needs an ear, and he seems as if he's REALLY back this time, so sure i'll meet him" so I agreed to meet him at my local bar. I took a car home from work and as promised, I called him and told him I was in transit. He said that he was too. "whoa!" i thought to myself... I'm actually going to get to see him! He's on his way too!... so then I arrive at the bar and I send him a text that says "Im here" and he replies back "en route"....

I order myself a beer. 1/2 of it's gone and it's 10 minutes later. I regret not having a periodical of some sort, because I'd much rather look like the weirdo who comes to a bar and reads in the dark rather than the girl who looks like she got stood up.

15minutes now. Beer is gone. Asked if I want another... "sure" i say... I keep checking the door hoping that Ill see a tall figure with an apologetic face walk through... i'd act pissed but then punch him in the arm and tell him it's okay.

1/2 of the second beer is gone. At this point, I am getting angry and I start texting my friends. 50 minutes now and beer all gone, I say fuck it and leave. I walked my block home pissed. The moment I get on my stoop, I get a text from him that simply says "....", followed by a phone call.

me: hey! (sarcastic and pissed hey, of course)
him:..........h..e..y. yea.
me: yea
him: yea... so. where are you?
me: actually, im keying in to my apartment. i left. where are you?
him: park and vandy (street corners near the bar)
me: oh ok. thats nice.
him:...aaah. god. well so much for having fucked up friends huh? i fucked up
me: yep.
him: okay. well i'll talk to you later?
me: whatever dude... i don't even know what to say. take care of yourself.

Then i went upstairs and got even more pissed. No apology from him. No explanation. No nothing. But this time, the more I think about it... I'm happy that he didn't explain, or apologize. Because if he did, Im sure I would have forgiven him like I always do. So I'm grateful that he didn't say a damn thing this time.

...I couldn't help but wonder what happened though. Was he still at home when he typed "en route" but lied?

Then I have to stop myself... because this was just the icing on the cake. I've never been stood up before. Not even by any past online dates. It's the ultimate diss. It just hurts even more because I'm angry that he threw our friendship away. He wasn't just some *guy* to me.... he was my friend. And friends don't do that.

He sent me a text 20mins later that said: "sorry i've been a shitty friend, g'night"

and i replied:
"im not quite sure what to say other than i just cant set myself up for disappointment anymore. i'm around. call me when you're life settles. i'm around"

i regret typing the last three sentences. i should have stopped at the first. but of course that was the part of me talking that really DOES hope he comes around one day... but after a long bitching session with my lady lou, and with scientist... i've decided that i'm NOT going to allow him to stir up my life anymore and ask to make plans only for them to be canceled.

on another note...

i have still been seeing the scientist. and i guess i haven't written much or talked about it because i don't want to jinx a seemingly good thing. we've been hanging out for around a month now, i guess (that seems about right...i actually met him for the very first time the day that my grandmother passed away, and that was over a month ago now).

at first i was hesitant because we didn't seem to have a thing in common, but could some how talk about things for hours. i knew i always looked forward to seeing him, but couldn't figure out why. i've lost count of how many times we've enjoyed one anothers company at this point. i guess we're beyond the "oh god, is he going to call me after the second date" stage... we talk every night on the phone and email throughout the day and it's all becoming a nice routine. i kinda can't imagine not talking to him at this point. and i've gotten to learn a thing or two about enzymes and proteins, and all of the grants that he's writing to pursue his research. he has no clue what i'm talking about when i talk about redesigning pages, or stories changing, etc etc. but somehow we learn from one another and even if we don't *get it... we try to, and it becomes another conversation where we learn something new.

some friends met him, and they all really like him. and he also really likes who he met, and even threatened to beat up a guy who was being an asshole to lou last friday.

so yea... i am taking it one day at a time, and i am definitely in-like. he is going to california for a week and i'm going to miss him. this dude doesn't have a cell phone and will be in the mountains and will be off of the grid for a week.

a few weeks ago, he showed up at my door with flowers and lamb chops and made me a delicious dinner. and he's offered to build me a shoe rack from scratch (he accidently saw my closet). i'm very weird when it comes to accepting things from dudes, so i've been declining, but he said he's going to just show up with it because he wants to make it for me when he gets back...

i'm a happy lady. so far he's just proven to like me, and care about me. and i am putting my defensive "oh god, how is he going to be an asshole, or fuck up, or hurt me" gaurd down for the moment, and i'm just enjoying it as much as he seems to be enjoying me.