the mouth

Many moons ago I went to a Kentucky derby party in Brooklyn. I was probably on my sixth mint julep when this guy sat next to me and said "hey, lets play a game and wager a drink." It was some clever 5 question game which I lost to and inevitably had to buy Mouth a drink. He was funny and in my drunken haze I was like "awe, what a nice guy". So we exchanged emails and the next day he emailed me and said "hey lets go out sometime". But I had a man at that time and had to decline. So recently, I joined Facebook and Mouth finds me on it. I was like "hey, its that funny guy!" So we plan on going out for mojitos for happy hour.

So its Thursday night and I am talking to my coworkers/friends who also went to that same derby party, telling them I am going to meet that guy. My friend immediately goes: "Wait, but you said he was creepy!" Shocked, I was like "crap, I did?!" Damn juleps.
But it was too close to the meeting time that I couldn't just cancel and he seemed nice, so I just kept the plans.

We met up at some bo-ring chain restaurant in the upper east side. I guess I just had to say upper east side and that defines itself-- sorry if I offend any readers. The place packed with corporate america: finance/generic crowd where the men all looked the same (checkered buttondown shorts tucked into pleated slacks) and complimented by a very pretty array of women ranging from 21-50 all looking to find her Mr. Big.

When I see him he has nice kind eyes. I smile, he smiles and I see a nice mouthful of brown, crooked teeth. *gasp. But I am not being judgy, just was my first impression, so we go on and try to find a standing spot.

When we finally get our mojotos and start talking.....

Mouth starts to tell me a story and suddenly I feel pellets of his spit fall on my cheek.

One.
two.
three.

Three times in twenty minutes. I get very nautious with shit like that so of course my mind is racing and just waiting for the next attack of saliva on my face. I just keep thinking to myself, that shit better not land on my lips or I am going to throw up.

I get frustrated so then I start exaggeratingly wiping my face hoping he would get the hint. Of course, dude has no idea and keeps on yammering. I am not even listening to him by then because I am so disturbed by this entire situation and try to think of a way out.

Fifteen minutes pass by and the mojitos are strong. I say "hey, lets order chips or something because I am getting buzzed way too strong". He says "No, lets no yet, I'm not hungry, just get a glass of water".
Ewe...Already I am thinking, selfish ass, I didnt ask you if you were hungry, I am hungry... So I say "No, lets just get chips, I will pay for them its not a big deal" and he says "No, lets just wait please (he did say please) just until the next round"
So I say "fine" and just think he could be spitting chips coated in saliva at me so I don't push.

So about five minutes into it these two women walk into the bar near us. One is in her late 40's and the other is in her mid 30's. The one in her 40's starts talking to this man in his 60's and they are yappin it up and the woman in her 30's pokes at Mouth and starts up a conversation. Well the thing is, is that they were really conversing. So I of course think, okay this is strange but GREAT because I can leave and join my friends at their happy hour.
I go outside to give them some alone time and so I can smoke a cig. When I get back, they are all talking and the old man comes up to me and says "Hey, since you left, you just lost your spot. Why don't you come back in lets say... mmmm two hours".

yes people. I got the 'tude from the old man. what an a-hole btw. I soon notice that its not me he's mean to but everyone. just a horny, angry old man. He was aggressively hitting on every woman that came by and eventually his friend had to escort him out of the bar. And they say men are better with age. j/k

Unfortunately there was no love connection between 30 yr old lush and Mouth. btw, Lush was an amazon woman. giant man hands who admitted she was in love with her brother. yes. that is what I said.


So the 40 something socialite had to go and emphasized to Mouth that we had to take care of Lush. Oh did I mention that Mouth made Lush buy us drinks?? Yeah.. and we were there till 10:30 and no food. just a measly thing of chips and guac.

10:30 arrives and I emphasize that I REALLY have to go but suggest him and Lush should hang out. Then we look around for Lush. Where is she? She can't sit, almost falls and yet picks herself up to approach a random guy who just sat for dinner in the dining area! She comes back and I was like "uh, did that work out for you?" and she stammers "nah... I don't think he likes me.. Hey, help me find a guy.. just pick one and help me, I bought you guys drinks..."

I thought..Nice move, Mouth. Get Lush to say we owe her. Lush seemed so sensibile until that moment.

So we got her a water and said we would take her to a cab. Mouth was actually really good about it and tryed to help her out.
She was not having it though. She was like "Jusss go! I'll be finne"
So we said okay we tried and left.

Oh, btw, I finally did approach Mouth about the spittoons and he was really embarrased and said he has really been trying to work on that.
lol I am so mean but you have to say something!! And he wasn't creepy. very pushy-flirty but not creepy... just not sexy either.

The end, Mouth kissed me, I was cornered so I kissed a very salilva-y kiss (nautiousness rising..) and said goodbye. I hopped in a cab whom I directed inmmediately to take me to the Crocodile bar in the LES to meet my friends. I ran over, hugged hellos and washed down that painful experience with a refreshing pint of Bass and free pizza.


Oh. one more thing. Saturday night I get a voicemail and an email this weekend from Lush. (When Lush wasnt showing her Lush colors, she was very cool, so I gave her my business card.) She says:

Hi There...
This is the disaster from last night! I wanted to apologize, I didn't eat very much for dinner and drank way too much! My friend XXXX said someone called her from my phone... was it you? Do you have my phone or know who does.. ?? I will try and get to a phone and call your # on the card. Thanks, and sorry again! -Lush